Food Fiasco

A year back, we were posted in the TMA Pai hospital, in Udipi, in the department of OBG. Well, yes, of course, none of us were excited by it. Least to say. Most of our waking moments were spent in bitching, complaining, whining and the likes. Its funny, when you don’t like something, everything about it seems cunningly convoluted and repulsive. Of course, this post isn't about OBG, so I apologise for digressing. A whole new post and more can be written on OBG and the life in it. I shall save that for a rainy day.
There was this restaurant opposite the hospital, where we would all gather for our customary lunch. It was called Naivedya. Good food. No complaints at all. But trust the people in Dakshin Karnataka, especially round about Manipal to come up with irrational combinations. Parata with coconut chutney is the all time favorite. One keeps eating it, and then almost forgets what the norm is. So, this place had something called “ Shezwan Masala Dosa”.
I never could quite gather the courage to try it out. For starters, I’m not a Chinese cuisine fan. And I completely detest the way we Indians cook Chinese. So you can imagine my apprehension. But it sounded too fascinating to resist the try. So I would tell all my friends everyday, right in the morning that I would be having that for lunch. And then on reaching the restaurant, I would get cold feet, and settle for the simple thali. Deliveries, placentas, blood, endometrium etc etc didn’t help my appetite either. So this went on for quite a while.
And then one day it suddenly happened. I ordered it. Pin drop silence on our table. The excitement was palpable, I could almost touch it. My salivary glands first went dry with the expectation, and then overworked with thoughts of how awesome it could taste, and then went back to being dry again. After many an excruciating moment, the waiter finally placed the dosa on my table. I could have died in those few minutes, and I wouldn’t have known, for the dosa was the only thing on my mind.
It looked ugly. As a wine taster would know, the first step is to see it. I follow the rule for most foods. Well this ingenious piece of an invention looked disgustingly ugly. It was an oily fluorescent orange, with light reflecting off its creepily slimy surface. Even if I am exaggerating, it didn’t look all that pleasing to the eye. A fat Chinese man dressed in Indian clothes. With a cup of Sambhar and chutney at its side. Cultural integration at its best. Whoa. I took a deep breath. But all I could smell was the typical ‘aroma’ of a south Indian bustling restaurant. The smell of smoke, sambhar, sweat, and my own savlon tinged hands. Alright, next step. I took a piece, it almost fell out of my hands, halfway on its journey to my mouth. About a litre of oil greased my palms, even mud would have slipped through my fingers. I could see all eyes were on me. The tension was too much. I had to taste it!

Another attempt later, my poor taste buds were greatly disappointed, hurt and deeply pained as every morsel of the the much awaited shezwan masala dosa hit them where it hurt the most. No prizes for guessing, it had noodles in place of the heavenly potatoes as stuffing. So basically, it boiled down to the combination of shezwan noodles with coconut chutney and sambhar. Pretty awful, isn’t it? Well, I dissected the dosa. Deroofed it. Ate the fluorescent orange dosa separately. And ignored the noodles. I suppose someone else at the table had a go at it. Don’t think anyone of us were happy with any part of the dismembered dosa. So much for the chef’s brilliant idea. It sucked. I should’ve known anyway, with all the new Chine-indo dishes. Sounds as promising as the peace dialogues between the aforementioned countries. Never ever again.
Although I truly feel bad for the sight revolting, nausea promoting, fingers greasing, oil dripping, noodle stuffed masala dosa, I wont be eating it again. Its not the dosa’s fault you see. Its like watching Aishwarya Rai and Rajnikanth dancing together. Blame yourself for watching it. Or eating it, in the case of the SMD.